How to Respond when You Find Out Your Girlfriend has Another Boyfriend
Analyzing the Situation
Consider if she cheated.Did you two ever discuss being in an exclusive relationship or did you just assume? When people date, we are generally open to going on dates with different people until we feel strongly enough to shed all other romantic relationships, in favor of “the one”. There is nothing unusual or immoral about having more than one partner unless that person specifically agreed to be monogamous.
- Did they offer this information? Or did you find out while they were hiding it?
- Have you been monogamous?
- Do you feel a lack of trust,notbecause they are dating other people, but because of the way you found out?
Decide if you are ok with it.Whether she is polyamorous and will never settle down with one partner or just not sure yet who is worthy to be her one and only, you have to decide if you can be happy in the relationship. Don’t try to force it just to prove you’re “cool and open to new things”; if you fake it, you’ll just end up resenting her, hating him, and probably not feel too good about yourself, ultimately.
- Ask yourself if your ego can take it.
- Ask her if she'll have enough free time to keep you satisfied in the relationship.
- Consider if it will be easier and more enjoyable to not have to feel obliged to satisfy all of her needs/time by yourself.
Ask if you can also see other people.By splitting her time among multiple boyfriends, she is reducing the amount of time she can spend with you. If you date other people, does that solve the problem?
Reduce your investment in the relationship.By also dating other people, or just adjusting your expectations, you make the decision and acceptance less difficult and less all-or-nothing.
Communicating Your Position
Be thoroughly honest.Regardless of your decision, being openly and completely honest is the only way to get what you want and need. If, you donotfeel comfortable with her having another boyfriend, tell her—she’ll either decide to make a decision in your favor, or she’ll decide not to, either way, you can move on.
- Being completely open about all your feelings, including anger, disgust, jealousy, or any negative feelings, ultimately results in less distress than sugarcoating.
Tell her why, if you arenotcomfortable.For example, "I want to be in a relationship with you, but this is not the type of relationship I want."
Tell her why, if youarecomfortable with it, let her know and she will be more trusting of you.She will feel comfortable being open and honest with you moving forward and you won’t be in the dark.
- Explain why you are ok with it. For example, "Although I'd prefer to have you all to myself, I feel strongly enough about you, that I think we can make it work."
Define your boundaries.Regardless of whether she decides to get monogamous with you or, you decide to be cool with her other boyfriend, you’ll need clear boundaries.
- If she decides to leave the other dude, does it have to be immediately, or can she slowly fade away? Will you feel comfortable with them going out one more time so she can tell him in person?
- What type of sexual safety precautions will you two practice? Being intimate with someone carries serious risks--STDs, pregnancy--safety and responsibility should always be your top priorities.
- Is she only dating two people, three, or as many as she wants?
- Is there a certain amount of time with her you will need to feel fulfilled? What will she need fromyou, for her to be fulfilled?
- Are you going to be dating other people also?
Communicate your boundaries.Don't just text them a list of boundaries, but communicate how you feel about each boundary and how you would feel if it is crossed. For example:
- "As long as you continue to make time for me, I'm ok with you dating other people. I need to see you at least a couple times a week for this relationship to work for me. I need some consistency, or I'll have to move on."
Ending the Relationship
Communicate why you are ending the relationship.She may not have known exactly how this situation has effected you. It is probably more complicated than just jealousy (though jealousy may be a part of it). Explain the many things you feel and why it's not going to work for you. You'll feel better expressing your needs, and who knows, maybe she will learn something from your honesty.
Expressyourfeelings and situation; don't focus on them.Use 'I' statements: "I don't feel comfortable with this. I was raised to be monogamous. I can't feel safe, if you're having multiple sexual partners. I need to find a relationship that meets my needs."
Don’t be a Jerk.Even if you were lied to and told the relationship was monogamous, or you’re just plain grossed out by the idea of dating multiple people, nothing good can come from name-calling and being judgmental. If, during the previous steps, you were completely honest, you will have already told her how you feel about the situation and, hopefully, how you feel about her. If it doesn’t work out, understand that her lifestyle or personal needs don’t necessarily have anything to do with you! Everyone’s different, and has different needs and desires.
- Explain objective reasons without anger or judgement. i.e., "I'n not mad at you for dating other people, but I don't want the same things."
- Exit gracefully: if she ever changes her mind, you’ll be the first person she calls
- If you end up changingyourmind, you’ll still be able to call her.
- Being non-abusive or mean is just the right thing to do!
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Date: 11.12.2018, 04:39 / Views: 63434